"I can't imagine what you are going through..."

Grief can bring to surface rather odd and unexpected emotions. Here's one example: When expressing support or empathy for the grieving, people like to say, 'I can't imagine what you are going through". While deep in my grief, I found those words very irritating!

The comment is always made with best intentions, but it took a long time to realize that my irritation was founded in whether I believed he or she was qualified to relate as an equal, or someone who had felt the same pain I had. I was jealous of the very person trying to make me feel better because he or she didn't have experience in losing a child, much less children. In other words, if you haven't experienced what I experienced, then you aren't qualified to relate to my plight on any level.

Weird, huh? Nonetheless, while stilted deep in grief, that's how I felt. Is there something that people have said to you while trying to help, which gets under your skin when you know it shouldn't?

If Grievers are from Mars, Everyone Else is from Venus

If you are puzzled as to why something bothers you when it shouldn't, recognize that your emotional existence may be operating on a different plane than your friends, family, and coworkers. Much like the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, it's as if messages received from people are being received in a different language from a different world. Your pain and anguish may be so great, that you may only know the language of people you believe have experienced pain that is equal to your own. A list of people that meet that qualification is likely to be very small.

Seek Feedback from a Good Listener

Since you are not good at understanding Venetian or Martian language right now, you will need an interpreter, otherwise known as a good listener. Your listener can help you sort-through feelings of angst for things said by others that should not have mattered. Your listener can offer feedback for your truth while helping you understand and relate to those in this world who have not, nor may ever, experience your truth, your pain.

Where to find a good listener? Perhaps a trusted friend or therapist who knows how to listen while offering selective feedback in your timing. If you aren't sure whether someone is willing to serve as your listener, just ask them. Finding a good listener is an important component of your escape from grief, time is therefore important. Get to work--find your listener.