"I can't imagine what you are going through..."

In the first half of my grief journey, people would say, "I can't imagine what you are going through" and interestingly, I found the comment irritating! The comment was made with the best intentions, but looking back, I think my irritation was founded in jealousy. I was jealous they didn't have personal experience in losing a child, much less three. Weird, huh? The comment also reminded me how alone and different that I had become in this world. None of this was true or sane, but stilted deep in grief, that's how I felt.

Even My Therapists Said It

I saw 2 therapist over a decade, and I would become particularly upset at the therapist who started with, "I can't imagine..." I would think to myself, "In other words, you are out of your league. If you have no intimate knowledge as to what I am going through, then what in the **** am I paying you for?"

My thinking here should not be construed as me being opposed to therapy. When a person has found themselves deep in grief, therapy is an essential part of finding their new normal. Therapy is perhaps the fastest but hardest way to find a new normal and an exit from that dark grey place we call the grief tunnel.

'Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise. ' - Proverbs 13:10 (NLT)

Jealousy Founded in Anger, Anger Rooted in Grief

My jealousy wasn't rational and was clearly founded in anger. I was mad at the world, mad at God, and mad at anybody who had not experience what I had experienced, which was basically everybody.

"I sat with my anger long enough for him to tell me his real name was grief" - Unknown

When You're Not Logical, Work On You First

If "I can't imagine what you are going through" is upsetting to you, try giving yourself a hard look. Are you mad at the world like I was? Are you frustrated because no one can provide a solution that will make your pain go away?

This is one of those times when we must work on offering a bit of grace. You won't be mad at the world forever. Keep trying, offer grace to those trying to help, and in due time you will see the statement as a nothing burger.