Do you have kids? Do you have grandchildren?

The question is often asked as a conversation icebreaker by people who have kids or grandchildren. An innocent question, but a very painful question for those who have lost a child or grandchild. A devastating question for someone who has lost more than one child or grandchild.

How do we answer the question? First, know that your children or grandchildren are in heaven.

Jesus Blesses the Children

Second, for someone who lost one or more older children, know that an 18 year old might be a legal adult in the eyes of the law, but he or she is still a child. A child's brain does not truly develop into an adult brain until the age of 25, plus or minus a couple of years. And don't forget how generously God gives grace to all people, particularly the the mentally ill.

Back to how we should answer the question:

"Do you have kids?"

or

"Do you have grandchildren?".

The answer for me depends on my mood. If I am feeling strong and ready to engage in conversation about my children, then I will answer the question directly:

"I have 3 children in heaven".

This answer has potential consequences such as:

• They become very uncomfortable and disengage from the converation and/or a potential friendship.
• They ask more questions that you do not want to answer.
• They cast quiet judgement on you, as in, "There must be something wrong with him (or her)".

Yes, all these things have happened to me. My preferred response is, "I have 3 children", and then I divert their curiosity by changing the subject with my own question:

"I have 3 children. Are you going to the game tomorrow?"

or

"I have 3 children. Boy, it's going to be hot today!"

Most of the time, diverting attention with your own question works. Every once in a while I run into a Nosey Nelly, and my attempt to change the subject doesn't work as Nosey Nelly responds with:

"I have 2 children, are yours grown?"

In other words, Nosey Nelly continues to probe. Then my response will likely go something like this:

"Yes, but I can't talk to them in heaven."

This answer sends Nosey Nelly an unspoken message–you avoided the question on purpose. At this point, Nosey Nelly usually moves-on to another subject.

Interestingly, as compared to being up-front from the beginning with the "I have 3 children in heaven" response, this final response seems to draw sympathy from Nosey Nelly, rather than judgement.

I have one more response that I don't like because it feels like I am abandoning my children:

"No, I don't have kids."

I don't use this answer often, but it is the surefire answer that is guaranteed to force change to a different subject. Sometimes I answer "No" because at that time, in that hour, I was too weak for the fight. If you are too weak for the fight, "No" is okay too. I guarantee that our children understand and want nothing less than to see you and I be as happy as we can be without them.

There is not a perfect answer to the question, "Do you have kids or grandchildren?" Whatever your answer, there is the potential consequences and guilt. My navigation may not be right for you, but you can use my example as a starting point in determining the response(s) that you are most comfortable with.

Moreover, it's important to not allow uncomfortable small talk keep you from socializing. Social activity is key to escape from that long grey tunnel called grief, and the new normal that follows. And don't forget that Jesus loves you, your children, and your grandchildren. He is gives grace to the humble, weak, and mentally ill. Your children and/or grandchildren are waiting for you in Heaven.